35
I turned 35 two weeks ago. 35 is a curious age, vacillating between full-on adult responsibilities and the last vestiges of youth. Clips of friends’ cheery toddlers dominate my social feeds these days, but there’s still a decent sliver who are figuring life out in a freewheeling way.
That dichotomy reflects my inner sentiments like a black mirror. On the one hand — holding on to remnants of wild ambition and boundless adventure. On the other hand — letting go, recognizing that there are seasons to life, convincing myself that I have to take root and soak in responsibilities befitting this age.
Staying hungry and foolish versus growing up… are they mutually exclusive? Does it really have to be a tradeoff?
I’ve been coming to terms that it might be, to some extent. FOMO still takes hold of me from time to time. There are days I yearn to be a drifting digital nomad, skipping from city to city, building stuff, meeting interesting people. I often calm that wild side down with the thought that I had more than my fair share of fun adventure over the past decade plus, those crazy times in Shanghai and the world over.
What-ifs take hold less than they used to. When I revisit those older chapters, I tend to come away with ‘could be better, but could also be worse’. Many dumb decisions, but also a few not-so-dumb ones that tip the scales. That hidden cabinet of dreams from when I was 20 I could probably no longer reach, but my 20-year-old self also wasn’t able to remotely fathom that I’d be where I am today, doing what I do, with the person I’m with. So I think less about the roads not taken, and more about this path that I chose, less about making the right choice, and more about making this choice right.
Being grown-up is realizing that there are far more important things in life than unbridled freedom. Freedom is awesome but free to do what? Chasing pleasure and fun? Hedonism seems to me more like a double-edged pill rife with side effects. The freedom to be the best version of myself? A definite improvement, but still missing a key ingredient.
A related realization came to me recently (ironically while traveling alone) that human connection is what endows life with meaning. Making loads of money and bouncing off to fancy locations could be fun for a while, but poses no match to shared moments with special people in life, no matter where. Living for the people I care about and being my best self for them — these matter most to me at this point.
There was this striking exchange from the recently-concluded TV drama ‘Shogun’. The wayward foreign sailor Blackthorne dismissed Lady Mariko’s sense of duty and familial commitment as a form of imprisonment, to which she responded: “No, it is you who is imprisoned. If freedom is all that you live for, then you’ll never be free of yourself.”
Which leads me to another fundamental shift over my younger self. I used to be a massive believer in broad impact, eschewing anything narrow and niche. It excited me to build products for thousands and millions, never mind the depth of impact. Connecting with groups of people all over the world felt cool. Being open to a plethora of possibilities felt electrifying.
Now that I am in my mid-30s, I can say that my circle has grown smaller, but also deeper. It’s fine to reach fewer, if it means having a greater impact. It’s alright to realize that I am but a tiny speck in a larger whole. Making a dent in the universe may be noble, but it’s also okay to simply tend to my own lane, to simply be a good person, to simply be.
Will I stop embarking on adventures and chasing dreams? There will always be a voice in my head that will prod me on unfulfilled potential and destinations unreached. I’m now old enough to get periodic health reminders and see most of my peers married, but I’m still also young enough to be the youngest person in the room (fortunately, in my line of work), scratch the itch of adventure from time to time, and grind towards the most meaningful, if not the grandest, of dreams.
35 is daunting because you are reaching a point when it’s no longer as easy to start afresh, when you have to put your foot down and definitively say no to some paths. There are doors that have already closed, and you have to accept that, full-stop. But there are also doors that are yet to open, and some doors that are now only opening because you’ve finally learned to embrace yourself for who you are, and who you are not. And that is a most freeing notion.
Speaking of doors, a tiny door is about to open in a couple of days. The door is ajar, and a ray of light is peeking through. Our lives are about to change, irrevocably and profoundly. I’m ready.
